Ruth

I KNEW IT!!

Sat, 28 Jun 2003 02:59:20 GMT

Sat, 28 Jun 2003 02:59:11 GMT

woohoo

Tue, 17 Jun 2003 15:02:33 GMT

The Lost Soul

What sign of the Black Zodiac are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Tue, 08 Oct 2002 16:56:18 GMT

i just found out that may puit a ban on this, like me writing in my journal, because of some bullshit, so if they do, then that sucks, so i may not be able to go onto this page anymore cuz these people are assholes. gotat go love you bye

i'm at st annes residential, 6 months to a year

Tue, 08 Oct 2002 16:44:52 GMT

hey whoever's reading this. it's ruth. baby i hope you're reading this. i love you i love you i love you. i miss you like crazy. 160 north main ave. albany ny 12206. write to me, i love you n i miss you and i'm goin crazy in here. and send me goodies too. hey baby, i hope you're keeping outta trouble, i need you to be home when i get out. most likely, if i'm good i get to come on a home visit on the 9th, then every other weekend after that. and the next available weekend after that is thanksgiving, so that's more than just the weekend. right now my mom's trifling about i'm not even allowed to call you when i come home, but we'll see about that. where there's a will there's a way. but in the meantime, please please please write to me. the mail here takes forever to get out. they said it takes 9 days just to get to poughkeepsie, so it'll be even more to get to you, but anyways, just write me. they read all our outgoing mail, and we're not allowed to curse or write anything sexual in em, but they don't read the mail we get, so send me lots and lots of letters. i think about you all the time. i miss you like crazy. i got my teddy bear in here. and your green paul sweatshirt. and i got that striped shirt i stole from you that last day i was there, and that hasn't been washed since you had it, so i'm using it as a pillow cover. i miss you so much. i'm bein asskicking good in there though, so i can get out in 6 months. so that means there's a chance i can come home april 1st. that's not so bad, right? yea right, who am i kidding, that's an unbelievably long time, but we can do this. oh yes. i have faith that we can. and when i get out, i'll be almost 17, and then there's nothing anybody can do about me seeing you, right? i hope so, that's what i'm working towards. proving all these asshole pricks wrong, and showing them that i can do good and be happy at the same time. that's my goal. and once i get home i'm gonna do good in school, get my lazy ass up every damn day and drag my ass to school and do all my work there and get straight fucking a's. and i'll be off protation by then, so that's good too. damn. i'd give anything to be with you right now. to be able to just chill in the basement watching golden girls messing with your back. that's where i belong. not some gay ass home for girls. and that's where i will be. don't think i won't be back. i will. i'm working my ass off to get back to you. it's all for you too baby, if it wasn't for you i'd just as soon stay here as long as possible to keep outta the chaos in my house, but because of you i do have something to look foreward to. i have something to work towards. and i am working for it, i'm gonna be working harder than i've worked in a long time, because it's worth that much to me. i love you so much. when people say 'i love you with all my heart' they don't know what it means, but i do. it means i'm totally devoted to you. everything i do, i'm doing it for you. you're my all. and i really mean that. and now that i've poured my heart out on this page that anybody in the world can read, i'm gonna go. FUCK YOU ALL, I LOVE PAUL!!!

hahaha it's me

Sun, 08 Jul 2001 16:52:12 GMT

Disorder Rating
Paranoid: Moderate
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: High
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: Moderate
Dependent: Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate

wow, it's been a while

Thu, 05 Jul 2001 01:14:15 GMT

yea, so i'm back. yay. yea i was in a detention center from may 30th til last monday. fun fun fun. sarcasm sarcasm sarcasm. nah actually it wasn't that bad. co-ed ;). but i'm fuckin tired of relaying the story of my month in juvie, so ow well.
since i've gotten back it's been mad fun. tuesday i slept. wednesday i went to the mall on a mad shoplifting spree. hehe some of you know what happened. lol. anyway, friday i went to chris' house and smoked kb with greg mike brian some chic mike c and hasan. that was fun. hehe we put a bumble bee in one of the chambers of chris's water bong. lucky fucking bee. lol chris the bee likes it, see he's comin back for more. friday night i slept over aubrey's house, we went pool hopping in the neighborhood, and then saturday we went to seaside and stayed there til sunday night. that was a fuckin blast. it was like all college people in the beach houses, so we met up with some guys with a keg and aubrey had a little fling. lol go aubrey! so then monday i slept and chilled with aubrey, tuesday i talked to kiley all day, and today i had mad people over my house while my mom and brother were at the lake. yay! i'm still wasted, in case you haven't noticed. hahaha. yea becky crawford showed up. lmfao. ha fuckin ha. ummmmm NO! lol anyways, tomorrow summer school starts, and get this, i'm the only person in the history of pine bush school district to ever be court ordered to go to summer school. lol yea i'm just special. actually i'm looking forward to summer school. i get to see everybody, and then i gotta get a job (also court ordered, thank you judge bivona) so i'm gonna work at the valley with karin jody and carly. that'll be hot.
oh shit, kiley's getting sent away the 10th which is.... next tuesday, i think. fuckin shit. that fuckin sucks MAJOR funky balls. damn it's weird cuz ever though i've been chillin with lotsa people since i got back, i haven't been able to chil with deija or kiley. i've only even talked to them once cuz since kiley got kicked outta her house and she's in monroe, they're both long distance and mommy dearest needed to cut my long distance off. and melissa's in camp, so my only best friend i've been able to be with is aubrey, and i feel like i'm kinda suffocating her. shit. oh well. life's a bitch and then ya die, right? right. haha if i wasn't so wasted i would be wallowing in self pity right about now. thank god for alcohol right? lol right. so i gotta go see what's up for tonight. karin's mom is away and she left her car, so she's taking it tonight, and joey's taking his mom's car out so we're all gonna go to the movies and see sumthin. i dunno what. lol we'll probably just end up clam baking the cars in the mall parking lot all night, but it's all good.
luvin ya

i don't fuckin believe this...

Fri, 18 May 2001 17:43:15 GMT

so kiley's getting sent away. now what the fuck do i do? deija left. kiley's leaving probably toady. what the fuck do i do now? who do i turn to? how am i gonna do this? i won't be able to see her. i won't be able to talk to her. i won't be able to get high with her... things will never be the same. and the scarriest part is what i can't write in here. something i know will probably happen. something i know that if it did happen, it would be the end. the end of fuckin everything. you know that chain effect deija? now it starts. this is how it's gonna begin, and there's nothing anyone can do to change it. there's nothing anyone can do about it now. it might as well have already happened. what the fuck do i do now? just sit around and wait for the inevitable? just sit here and cry thinking about how alone i'll be? thinking about how the best thing in my life right now is my friends. and now one of my best friends is mad at me, and the other is.... yea this is where you all start understanding that i really need some help. my head doesn't work the way it should. i probably fried too many brain cells, i dunno. all i know is that nobody else thinks the way i do. i fuckin wish i could be like everyone else. everyone else wiht happy little lives, not having to look past anything. just seeing things as they are, not... shit i don't even know what i'm talking about now.
this is when i know i'm fuckin losing it. when i start babbling about shit that doesn't make any sense. about shit that onyl i can understand. about shit. just stupid shit nobody else understands or cares about. this is what i'm reduced to. fuckin shit. everybody leaves me. i have 4 best friends in the whole wide world. deija aubrey kiley and melissa in no particular order. me and deija had a fight last night, she wants to die and i' not supposed to care. kiley's getting sent away and even though it's probablyonly for a couple months, i know exactly what is gonnab happen. god? how many times have me n kiley discussed this? i know exactly what will happen. melissa needs me and i can't be there for her, but i can't explain why i can't. i wish i could be there, but all this shit.... and i can't. aubrey? well aubrey is the strange one. (i love you aubrey) aubrey has been there for me since i can remember and she has never left. we dont even really fight. i don't know what i'd do without her, but now my crazy ass head is trying to convince myself that this is too good to be true. shit i don't know. all i know is that this is fuckin wrong. this is bad. and i can't explain it... i can't even say why i can't explain it, buti guess most of you have figured it out by now. all i know is that deija knows exactly what i'm talking about. she knows all aboutwhat will happen. but she's probably too pissed to even consider it. so there you go. i've fucked everything up and everybody i care about most is leaving me. i know this isn't making sense. just let me ramble some more. i need to get this all out. i love aubrey deija kiley n melissa more than anything. i care about them mroe than i care about myself, and now i'm fucking everything up. nothing's gonna be the same. it can't, it won't. it's not even worht it. fuck it. now i know i don't know what the hell i'm talking about. just don't pay attention to me. just ignore me cuz the effect will be the same. the chain effect deija. you know that

Sun, 13 May 2001 22:55:25 GMT

i'm gonna have little dark blotches in my hair you son of a bitch
uh, my neck is burning. IT REALLY BURNS!!!!!!
fuck dibari
the chickies love you deija
tom called me a dirtbag hahaha
comon deija, we're leaving in 10 minutes
our moms are liars haha
my back was in the paper!!! yay!
the white trash hiar clips
deija's um.... tan sweatshirt
pomade is the shit
we went from like 12 fish to 2 fish in less than a week
fuck rehab
okay, so maybe he's not that skeevy, i like the peircings
so we didn't get off the property in 30 seconds, so?
lol mcdonalds was fun
that butch cop that kept passing us under our tree
that tree was so pretty by the way
lol, now the 8th graders have more material on you n me deija. wonderful
my retarted neighbors, called the fuckin cops on me again. bitches
yay my new anti depressants fuck me up! yay!

so that was a glimpse of my weekend
oh yea, and i'm suspended all next week, and there's a party at my house on wednesday for everyone else who is suspended. and 2 more police charges for ruthie. criminal trespassing and unlawful assembly. what shit.

Sat, 05 May 2001 16:58:00 GMT

sometimes i wonder who would miss me when i'm gone.
i know there's a billion people who i would be sad if they died, or whatever, but i can honestly only think of like 3 people who i would nevre ever forget. never ever get over it. so i wonder if there's actually anybody who would actually miss me... don't bother commenting cuz i know that lots of people would say "yea ruthie, i'd miss you" but that's only cuz that's what you're "supposed" to say, and i know that i'd probably write if when i didn't mean it. like i said, there's only 3 people who's deaths i would never ever get over. never ever wanna get over. ever. never ever.

my po-em

Fri, 27 Apr 2001 20:36:38 GMT

what the hell am i supposed to be?

i don't get good grades
i'm not obsessed with math
and quite frankly i don't give two shits
how a bird wants to take a bath

i'm not pretty enough
i know i'll never be
and anybody can take a look
it's for all the world to see
my nose is huge,
my chest is not
and my ass sticks out a mile
and if i plan on saving up for surgery
it could really take a while

my idea of fun is not as their
i'm sorry bu it's not
i just don't see the point in all girls sleepovers
and studygroups... let's just not

i'm not a prep
i dress all wrong
and haha, i do drugs
and rather than buying a new gap sweater
i'd prefer some shit to fill my bong

as for music
let's just say
that in my book
everything except for county and boybands
i guess it's all okay

i'm not a funny person
i just tell it like it is
so don't bother reading this again
it won't be on the quiz

fun fun fun for everyone

Tue, 24 Apr 2001 19:00:08 GMT

okay so friday was a bust. my therapy ran late, and when we went to kiley's house to drop my shit off her mom said that it turns out the concert was in otisville, and they've been frantic thinking i was gonna drive all around middletown or whatever. so then me n kiley decided to just chil at her house. we went driving with some people, had some fun, and went to sleep at like 4. anwyay, then on saturday we woke up, got high, and went to the mall. lol we went into jack n jills, sat in th smoking section, and ordered our traditional waters w/ lemon. then for some reason we started bending forks, and we made bff bracelets. (lol deija that lady from camp... i forget her name) anyway, then my mom picked us up and we went home. when we got home we found that ned had "come into possesion" (we didn't ask) of a shit load of vodka and rum and beer and margurita mix (that's the shit right deija?) so when my mom left at like 9 to drop easter baskets off at someone's house, we went into the garage and got wasted. lol, then we tried to dye easter eggs, but we ended up having a hard boiled egg/ blue dye fight in my kitchen. o well, my mom was pissed when she got home. o well.
anyways, since my mom was home and none of us could talk without slurring, we went upstairs into my room to get ready. this was around like 10... and we were leaving at 11.
okay usually when i sneak out i go through my window and down the ladder, but that wasn't gonna work cuz nobody could walk straight, kiley was afraid of heights, and cuz she was wearing 3 inch heels. so we ended up just going out the porch door.
aight i learned the hard way that if somebody picks me up in front of the house, my mom can hear the car door slam, so we told chris to pick us up at the end of my road. lmao that was fun. pitch black, no street lights, and some drunk kids trying to walk straight, regardless of keeping on the road. me n kiley were holding eachother up and pushing eacother down at the same time, we must've walked off the road into ditches like 15 times.
anway, we got to the end of the road, and kiley decided she had to go to the bathroom, so she just pulled down her pants at the side of the road and started ot go. she was like "okay ruth tell me if any cars come" and me, being the drunken bitch that i am, kept saying here were cars coming, and kiley was like "shut the hell up, i can't pee when you're talking" so i shut up, and then i saw a car coming. i told her, but she didn't believe me (i guess the boy who cried wolf kinda deal) but then as it got closer i realised that it was a red car. THEY WERE PICKING US UP IN A RED CAR. lol so by this point kiley realised i wasn't lying, and she just started laughing, and she was too wasted to pull her pants up, so when they pulled up, they saw me and kiley on the side of the road, trying desperately to get her pants up. i don't know what they thought was going on, and i didn't ask. we just got in the car and tried to stop laughing and say hello. i guess they figure out that we were trashed, so they just drove. when we got to the hotel (oh yea, there were only two guys in the car, chris and dennis) there were a bunch of people in the parking lot who were waiting for us, lol some girl was to fucked up she was getting upset cuz she said she was missing her chance to get home and catch the easter bunny before he hid eggs in her back yard.
so then we went in the hotel, paid for 2 rooms, got one free, and we went into the first room. at firs there was like all 20 people in the same room, and i was just lying in the middle of one bed (there were two in a room) holding my leg in the air cuz i realized that when i tried to shave before we left, i was so drunk that i cut off a big chunk of my leg. so here i am, in a hotel room waving my lag in the air cuz blood keeps pouring out of my shin. eventually somebody got me a roll of toilet paper, and i was just holding the wholr roll against my leg til it stopped bleeding. okay so the somehow i ended up sitting on dennis's lap, chugging a HUGE bottle of vodka, and i dunno how long i stayed there, but eventually the people split up into seperate rooms. i'm sure you people can all use your imaginations to figure out who was in which room, so i won't go into that. but anyways, we left the hotel at like 7, and we were all still drunk by then, so we got home at like 8, me and kiley made breakfast, and then we went to sleep at like 10. then we woke up at 12 cuz her momw as picking her up at 12:30, and my grandparents were picking me n ned up at 2, so i had to pack n shit. oh man, just let me say that 3 hours in a car with two senior citizens, my brother, and a huge ass hangover is not a very nice situation to be in. o well. so then we stayed at my grandparent's house til last sunday, so that was good, but kinda boring. no guys, no drugs, and no cigarettes. oh well we went shopping and i got like 7 new pairs of pants so i guess it's all good.
so that was my spring break
:)

so yea, i'm alive. sorry

Thu, 12 Apr 2001 16:10:58 GMT

yea my computer was out for a while, but whatever, it's back. guess what i figured out? guys suck. yea, they really do. dennis is an asshole. he said he liked me, then he used me. thank god i didn't fuck him. so now he's an asshole and i don't like him as a person or a friend, let alone a boyfriend. he had a little thing with becky crawford and her wide ass, they deserve eachother, they both talk a lotta shit. now i'm hearing rumors that he likes me again. fucker. uh no. just no. the only reason i kinda hope that's true is cuz i wanna see the look on his face when i laugh and say "no". yea. that'd be great.

let's see, what else has been going on?..... okay last weekend tj ran away from his house and came to live at my house for a couple days. he stayed friday-sunday. that was cool. on saturday amelia, mike, dan, aubrey, tj, me, and ned were all in the garage chilling. lol it was cool til aubrey barfed. lol sorry aubrey:) anyways then we got high... pretty damn high ifi do say so myself. i guess it was some shit from mexica or sumthin... i don't really know, all i know is that it was good shit. then on sunday me, ned, tj, and dan got even more fucked up of some shit that i think was laced with....? take your pick. so that was fun. then sunday night 2 patrol cars pulled up in my driveway. yea apparently tj's parents wanna press charges on my mom for harboring a runaway. hahaha. i guess silvia (dan's mom) dropped him off at the kelly's house, and he never went home. he didn't get home til monday night when he got arrested. what a loser. he was in front of the valley and there was a fight going on and dennis was getting his ass royally beat (haha loser) and the cops pulled up and took tj home.

okay so that's last weekend. here's the plans for this weekend. friday (tomottow) i'm chillin at kiley's house all day, we're gonna get high, and then we're gonna go to this big band thing in chester or monroe or some shit. it starts at 7, we're gonna get there @ 6, and chill with some guys she knows. then it ends @ 11, but we're gonna chil till 12 with those same people. it's 3 guys, chris, dennis, and shaun. (they're all from monroe) kiley's kinda sorta with chrisand the other two are susposedly hot and single. (yay!) okay so then we go home to kiley's, sleep there, and on saturday, get high again and chil at the mall all day. then my mom picks us up around 8/9, and we go home to my house. then we're gonna drink in my room, wait til my mom falls asleep, and then we beep dennis so they can come and pick us up. then we're all gonna go to some hotel in middletown or sunthiin for a huge party, followed by a privete party. deija you were supposed to come with us, that's why there's 3 guys and only 2 girls. but nooo, you had to get back with dave, (just kidding, i'm glad you did) and then not come up here this weekend. so now i either have to get really kinky, or one guy is gonna get his feelings hurt. lol considdering the fact that we'll have been drunk when we left my house, and then at a party hosted by 21 year olds, i'll probably be reallly fucked up, so i'll probably choose kinky. haha we'll see. so anyway, then we're gonna get back in through my window before 9, before my mom wakes up, and then my grandparents are picking me up at 2 that afternoon. wonderful right, i'll have a massive hangover, and i hafta be in a car for three hours with my brother and 2 senior citizens... dear god help us all.

Fri, 09 Mar 2001 02:54:55 GMT

this is a poem thing traci wrote, it's awesome:

Have you every wondered what hurts more, the truth or a lie? If you think about it the truth can hurt someone as much as a lie could. Have you ever tried to tell someone something and the words are there but your afraid to let the words go for the fear of their response? Why do people fear rejection? Is it the fear of being diminished in the eyes of the one you love? Or maybe it's the fear of careing too much because the thought always occurs that they don't care as much. Have you ever fell in love with your best friend? How long must that person wait till you tell them your true feelings for them? Have you ever dreamed of one guy everynight? If he only loves me in my dreams, let me sleep forever. Maybe that person is called the guy of your "dreams" because that is the only place you can have him; is in your dreams. Have you ever missed someone just because they weren't at your fingertips? You crave them when they aren't there and you can't help but smile everytime you see them. Have you ever wondered if you should smile because he is your friend, or cry because that's all he is? Have you ever hated someone for something that they said? Or for something they did or didn't do. Or do you just hate that fact that you really don't hate them at all? Have you ever waited so long to tell someone that you love them and it is too late? No one waits forever.

Fri, 09 Mar 2001 02:24:10 GMT

oh yea, and about you competing with your brother, you've got nuthin to worry about :P

Fri, 09 Mar 2001 02:23:22 GMT

mikey this one's for you, lol
let's see you wanna know about my life... umm i'm goin to new jersey this weekend to see deija. i'm staying there from friday til sunday. i gotta meet deija's boyfriend so i can chop his balls off.
anyway, yea you're right teens do go through shitty ass depressing stages. but mike please just get depressed and nuthin else. suicide is not all it's cracked up to be. now i'm getting all upset cuz i love you to death and probably the only thing you could ever do to make me mad at you is to kill yourself. i would never forgive you if you did that. and when i think about me hating you it makes me sad, so just do me a favor and don't do anything i wouldn't do. :)
love ruth

Sun, 25 Feb 2001 04:49:11 GMT

Pot is a plant,
That grows in the ground.
If God didn't want it,
It wouldn't be around.
So all you fuckers that don't get high,
Shut the fuck up and give it a try!

?..? ???)) -:?:-
?.?? .????))
((??.?? .?? -:?:-
-:?:- ((??.? (?`v??)
`v?

my head is spinning...

Wed, 21 Feb 2001 22:46:29 GMT

yea okay so most of today sucked. it was fine til lunch. then i found out that kiley cheated on george. why the fuck would she do that?? she's always bitching cuz he doesn't like to dance, and all that shit, and how she doesn't think he cares about her. that's bullshit i talk to him all the time, and he's always saying how much he cares about her. i can't figure out why she would hurt him like that. i mean, yea she was drunk, and god knows that i've used that excuse plenty of times, but this time she really fucked up. i don't wana chafta choose sides either cuz i know that me and kiley are best friends, so i'm not gonna risk that, but i am gonna tell her that what she did was totally fucked. and then at the same time i gotta be comforting george cuz my best friend cheated on him, and it's not like i'm gonna forget about our friendship just cuz kiley isn't goin out with him anymore. whatever i'm nuteral

plus then i was thinking about what i did with carter last weekend, and totally regretting it. it's not that i don't like him, me and him definately have something, maybe even love. but... i dunno it's hard to explain. we talk about it all the time. i love him and he loves me, but neither of us wanna be together. it's fucked up i know. but i love him in a soulmate/best friend/fuck buddy thing, not like a boyfriend or anything. it's the same way with josh, but nuthin sexual. so anyway today i was thinking about all that, trying to make it make sense in my head and i realized that for whatever reason, i don't think i love him anymore. at least i don't wanna fool around with him anymore. i dunno. i have no idea what made me change, but i did and i dunno how he's gonna react to that. and i know he's gonna be reading this so that's probably why i'm writing it in the first place. i know i should probably apologize or sumthin, but i'm not really sorry. it's just the way i feel and i can't help it.

helll yeaaa

Sun, 18 Feb 2001 04:27:45 GMT

o man, i had so much fucking fun last night!!! well more accurately it was last night into this morning, but i don't care. all i know is that i paid for it today with a HUGE ASS hangover. o man, but it was soooo worth it. okay so last night at like 11 jeremy picked me up and drove me to pennsylvania. we got there around 1:30, and that was only cuz he was speeding the whole way. so anyway, it was so great to be there again. i can't even think of any other word to describe it besides great. it was just awesome. i walked in the door and carter just gave me a huge bear hug, the kind that i've been needing for a long time. it was just so nice and so warm...
anyway
then we just sat around the coffe table like old times and smoked ourselves stupid.
it was fuckin great!
the only bad thing was that kim wasn't there.
:(
i missed her soo much. more than ever before too cuz before i could deal with it cuz it's not like i was used to seeing her in school or anything, but now that i was someplace where i was so used to seeing her, i just felt like crying. so it was kinda really awkward at first, but then we just got so fucked up it didn't matter. so then around 4, me and carter somehow ended up in jeremy's room, sitting on the bed talking about the difference between fucking, having sex, and making love. it was really weird cuz i guess we must have started the conversation while we were really fucked up, cuz i can't remember most of what we said. so i have no idea how long we were talking for. but anyway, we realized that practically nobody our age makes love. that's just gay. fucking is something that you do just for fun with any hot guy/girl who just happens to be just as horny as you are. having sex is like fucking, but there is something going on between those two people. they like eachother, but usually not love. and then making love is what old peeople do, even thuogh the thought of old people having sex is just really really really nauseating, but o well.
so anyway, as many of you have probably guessed, me and carter did end up having sex. i know that we didn't just fuck, cuz there is an obvious thing going on with me and carter. it's weird though cuz i can't imagine myself being with him, like as a girlfriend, but i know that we're more tahn just fuckbuddies.
i dunno
i need more time to think about it
so anyway, we ended up leaving at 5:30, and i got home around 9:30 which was cutting it really close cuz my mom wakes up around 10.

shit shit shiiii-iiiiit

Fri, 16 Feb 2001 13:59:05 GMT

dammit. i dunno what the fuck i'm doing. i just remembered that me n adam made plans for today, i'm assuming they're off cuz i broke up with him, but still... i know i'd be having fun if i was there, and it'd be better than sitting at home all day. yea yea yea i know this is not the way i'm supposed to be thinking about a guy who i just broke up with, but i can't help it!!
dammit. well i guess it's aight cuz i know on saturday i'ma be getting fucked up, and doing things that i probably shouldn't be doing if i had a boyfriend. so i guess it's all for the best. but still....

allow me to be a sap...

Fri, 16 Feb 2001 01:06:25 GMT

allow me to be a sap...

okay so much bad shit happened in the past two days that right now i don’t have the time to write em all out, but i will some time soon.
anyway this is gonna sound mad corny but spring is definitely in the air. FOR ALL OF YOU ASSHOLES WHO ASSUME THE WORST, NO I AM NOT HIGH RIGHT NOW.... OR DRUNK. i’m just trying to explain something. ever since yesterday, when i go outside to wait for the bus i just like breathing. i dunno what the hell i’m saying. it’s just that for the first time in a while i would have rather just smell the fresh air than smoke a cigarette which is what i usually do when i wait for my bus. aubrey, you know what i’m talking about. that taste in the air that just tastes sooo good, and all you wanna do is breath.
whoooaaaaa, now i know for sure that i am definitely scaring a lotta people, cuz i am scarring myself, so i’m just gonna stop, but that was enough corn ball shit to last for a while.

omg deija- that guy i told you about, the one who wants to fuck me? shiiiiiittt he has a tounge ring!!! omg omg omg. remember what i told you when we were in spencers that day @ the mall? about the goals i wanna accomplish in my life??? omg

well, my v-day sucked

Wed, 14 Feb 2001 21:03:20 GMT

lol deija did it suck ass for you 2? YES!
anyways, it was so pitiful. i was sitting in earth science and mr johnson told me that i had to move my seat and i just started crying. everybody was like "awh, just move your seat, it's okay don't cry" i felt like fuckin screaming in their smiley faces "I'M NOT CRYING CUZ OF THAT YOU FREAK!!" but whatever, it has come to my attention that i have the same privacy problem as aubrey did, that people are reading this who aren't supposed to so i can't write certain things in here anymore. o well. just gimme a ring and ask me, and i'll probably tell ya.
dude i hate people
now everybody is saying that i'm suspended from school again... whatever.
holy fuck, this weekend is gonna rock!! on friday i'm goin over melissa's house and we're goin to a party in pennsylvania, then on saturday i'm goin over kiley's house and we're gonna go to this kid steve's house for a lil get2gether. lol, actually we're gonna celebrate the fact that me and kiley don't have to take weekly drug tests anymore.
YAAAAYYYY
o man, it has been so fuckin long since i have been to a decent party. i'd have to say that it was like early january, at kimmy's apartment. damn!! i can't fuckin wait!! hehehe i'm gonna get so very fucked up this weekend. i don't plan on remembering any of it either, it's just better that way. the only bad thing about that is that if i have sex with somebody i wanna remember it. at least i wanna remember it if it's good. lol
shit so much has happened to me lately that i really don't give two fucks who i disapoint by getting fucked up. i'm so tired of disapointing everybody with everybody i do, and disapointing myself, that i don't even care anymore. there's nuthin i can do about it, so fuck it. there's only one person i really care about disapointing and i already cleared shit with her.
so i'm good to go

i just got off the phone with adam

Tue, 13 Feb 2001 23:21:13 GMT

here’s what happened:
his mom answered the phone and was like “hey ruthie baby what’s up girl” (she’s really nice) so i said not much, and then she’s telling me how much everybody missed me last night, and how she hopes to see me soon. so i was like “yea okay me too” and then she put adam on the phone.
he told me how much he missed me and shit, and how he can’t wait til i get back. so i told him i wasn’t going back after my suspension was over, and i was expecting him to say sumthin like how there’s no point in us goin out anymore then but nooooo, instead he’s all excited “shit this means i’m allowed to see you outside of group, that’s awesome” and i was just real quiet for a while and he asked me what was wrong and i told him that i didn’t think there was a point, and i was never gonna see him, and that there barely was a point when i was seeing him 3 days a week. so then he was the one who was all quiet, and then he said “yea i gues you’re right then, yo i gotta go” so i said bye and that was it.
okay, i know i’m supposed to be feeling extra guilty right now, but i’m not! i am just soo fuckin relieved that that shit is finally over with. lol the only thing i’m upset about is that now i'm not gonna get anything for valentines day. lol yea me n melissa are both bitches cuz we break up with our boyfriends the day before valentines day. but in a way it’s better cuz breaking up on v-day would be really harsh, and then the day after it makes it sound like i was just in it for the present. speaking of presents, this v-day is gonna suck royally. *sigh* o well, i suppose i can survive. lol i know i'm being overdramatic about this, but comon, everybody is gonna be all mushy in school tomorrow, and.... o well. nevermind
<3 ruth

convo with me n george

Sun, 11 Feb 2001 20:13:57 GMT

TheVirginMary00: you wanna know sumthin
cief4u: surely
TheVirginMary00: remember how you said that i should be able to keep a seceret, well you gotta keep this seceret, okay?
cief4u: sure
TheVirginMary00: promise? i'm serious
cief4u: yea
cief4u: no doubt
TheVirginMary00: well all my friends said that i was totally all over this guy after the dance, but i don't think i was, but i think he thinks i like him, and basically it sucks cuz i don't
cief4u: and
TheVirginMary00: and what?
TheVirginMary00: and nuthin
cief4u: oh that it
TheVirginMary00: yea that's it
TheVirginMary00: kiley knows, but adam doesn't
cief4u: lol
cief4u: did u do anything wit him
cief4u: was she at the dance
TheVirginMary00: i was sitting on his lap, but i don't think that counts
TheVirginMary00: na she wasn't
cief4u: lol
cief4u: oh
TheVirginMary00: don't laugh!
TheVirginMary00: this is a big dilema
cief4u: how do u figure
cief4u: u didn't do anything wit them
cief4u: soo
cief4u: im sayen u shouldn't tell adam
TheVirginMary00: soo
TheVirginMary00: no shit smart guy
cief4u: did u feel the guys dick
TheVirginMary00: lol, yea he had a boner
cief4u: lol
TheVirginMary00: but the thing is that i don't even see a point in going out with adam if i'm gonna quit group
TheVirginMary00: cuz that's all i ever see him
cief4u: ok
cief4u: well thats more probelms
TheVirginMary00: what?
cief4u: but adam just bought condoms though
TheVirginMary00: what?
cief4u: lol
cief4u: he told us in group that he did
cief4u: he siad he was wit his mom or something
TheVirginMary00: o my god
cief4u: lol
TheVirginMary00: dude this is so not funny
TheVirginMary00: !
cief4u: why
TheVirginMary00: cuz it sucks
cief4u: he wasted 350 for nothen
cief4u: for him rite
TheVirginMary00: shut the fuck up
TheVirginMary00: don't make me feel bad, please
TheVirginMary00: shit man, the kid's probably gonna cut his fuckin screen again and jump out his window
cief4u: ok
cief4u: see
TheVirginMary00: see what?
cief4u: that why u shouldn't hook up wit people in group
TheVirginMary00: i know!! i even told my mom that now i understand that rule
cief4u: oh
TheVirginMary00: dammit
cief4u: yea i know
TheVirginMary00: plus there's more
cief4u: but honestly are u going to break up wit him
cief4u: lol
cief4u: shit
cief4u: just keep it commen
TheVirginMary00: i dunno, kiley says i should just cheat on him, but i don't like that
cief4u: and what is that going to do
TheVirginMary00: what do you mean?
cief4u: whats thta going to do
TheVirginMary00: what is what going to do?
cief4u: what is cheating on him going to do
TheVirginMary00: i dunno, nuthin really cuz i'm probably never gonna see him again
TheVirginMary00: but at least he won't kill himself
cief4u: huh
TheVirginMary00: dude if i quit group all my problems will be solved
cief4u: so u think if u cheat on him he wont be as mad as if u just broke up withim
TheVirginMary00: not if he doesn't find out
cief4u: oh
cief4u: wait im confused
TheVirginMary00: what
cief4u: are u sayen you need ass and adam cant give it to u so your just going to cheat on him
TheVirginMary00: no that is not what i am saying
TheVirginMary00: and you make me sound like a slut thanx
TheVirginMary00: remember how i said that there was more
TheVirginMary00: ?
cief4u: oh
cief4u: whats more
TheVirginMary00: well there's a kid in my school who i liked before i got kicked out, and we're like really good friends
TheVirginMary00: and now that i'm back in school i found out that he might like me too, but i dunno
cief4u: oh
cief4u: well honestly can u tell me something
cief4u: u really do like adam
TheVirginMary00: i dunno! i know i like kissing him
cief4u: lol
cief4u: your pissing me off
TheVirginMary00: how?
cief4u: like kissing adam
TheVirginMary00: yes
cief4u: well ok
TheVirginMary00: well ok what??
cief4u: i dont know
cief4u: well what do u plan on doing
TheVirginMary00: i have no idea
TheVirginMary00: none
TheVirginMary00: what do you think i should do??
cief4u: well when u get kicked out or drop out just dont call him and ignore him and if hes doesn't cut u in like 2 weeks them u got to just do it
cief4u: be like yo we never see eack othewr
cief4u: well first u have to decide who u like more
TheVirginMary00: i know that, and it's the other kid. But all this is completely pointless if the other kid doesn’t like me, and i don’t think he does
cief4u: lol
cief4u: don’t say that cuz chances are he does and your just bein dumb about it
TheVirginMary00: okay whatever, why you keep laughin?
cief4u: the next thing u have to do is get rid of adam
TheVirginMary00: that sounds so mean though
cief4u: cause there a dead frog on my parents floor
cief4u: and my sister keeps screeming
TheVirginMary00: lmfao
TheVirginMary00: okay
TheVirginMary00: but now i'm pissed at myself cuz i have never had a boyfriend that i haven't cheated on, and i feel like a ho
cief4u: all your men u have cheated on
TheVirginMary00: yes:-[
cief4u: sorry but i have to laugh
cief4u: cause that face is to funnny
cief4u: well u haven't cheated on adam yet have u
TheVirginMary00: not yet, unless you count what happened after the dance, and i don't
cief4u: well i think your making some progress
TheVirginMary00: i know, but i really really really wanna!
cief4u: just do what u think is rite
TheVirginMary00: i think that it's not fair to adam if i cheat on him
TheVirginMary00: and i also think that this is his fault for liking me cuz he deserves better
cief4u: just tell him be like yo we neevr see each other what the fuck u know im bout to get kicked out of rehab be like i dont see anypoint in us going out and if u do please tell me
TheVirginMary00: but what if he does?
cief4u: lol well i have to give him skills cause i cant think of any
TheVirginMary00: well that's good
TheVirginMary00: shit, i'm about to just leave group and pretend that nothing ever happened
cief4u: with u and him
TheVirginMary00: yep
cief4u: na cause thats just wrong and if u did that to be there would be beef
TheVirginMary00: yea but i wouldn't do that to you
cief4u: lol
cief4u: how can u do that to me
cief4u: wait whats the diffrence between me and adam
TheVirginMary00: i couldn’t just forget you and me were ever friends
TheVirginMary00: i don't know!!
cief4u: oh
cief4u: u cant thouhg
TheVirginMary00: dur
cief4u: i madf a impact on your life
TheVirginMary00: definately, but has adam?
cief4u: :-\
cief4u: i cant answer that for u
TheVirginMary00: well i can't answer for myself
cief4u: can i say something thta isn't rite for me to say but shit who cares
TheVirginMary00: cares about what?
cief4u: can i say something that isn't rite for me to say
cief4u: do u care what i say
TheVirginMary00: o, well yea but say it anyway
cief4u: oh
cief4u: well when your on the phone wit adam does he say shit like your the best thing that ever happento me and shit
TheVirginMary00: yea...
TheVirginMary00: why?
cief4u: well do u think hes sucidel
cief4u: i know i spelled it wrong
TheVirginMary00: i dunno if he is about me, but i know he was about staying sober
cief4u: oh thats good
TheVirginMary00: that's what i'm sayin
cief4u: but im say do u think he will go crazu wit out u
TheVirginMary00: i dunno, probably not
TheVirginMary00: i sure hope not
cief4u: i dont know
cief4u: at least give him 350 back
TheVirginMary00: lol
TheVirginMary00: fu
TheVirginMary00: so you promise you're not gonna say any of this to adam?
cief4u: na of course not
cief4u: im not like that
TheVirginMary00: aight good
TheVirginMary00: thank you
cief4u: i understand where your comming from
TheVirginMary00: umm, you do?
cief4u: no ddoubt
TheVirginMary00: dude kiley is my best friend, maybe you shouldn't tell me
cief4u: yea i understand your problem
cief4u: lol
cief4u: nooooooo
cief4u: not that
TheVirginMary00: what then?
cief4u: im sayen your problems makes sense
cief4u: lol
cief4u: huh
TheVirginMary00: o, well that's good cuz it doesn't make any sense to me
cief4u: im sayen i understand where your comming from like it make logical sense what your going threw
cief4u: it do to me
TheVirginMary00: wonderful
TheVirginMary00: maybe it will to adam too
cief4u: yup
cief4u: i need a ci
TheVirginMary00: aight
cief4u: maybe he feels the same way
TheVirginMary00: i hope so
TheVirginMary00: all i gotta say is that if guys were straight up with their feelings, none of this would've happened
cief4u: but the thing is the nigga brough protection and now its done
cief4u: how u say that
cief4u: of
cief4u: never miond
TheVirginMary00: okay...
cief4u: mind
cief4u: if your frinds in school said something then it would of been peace
TheVirginMary00: what are you talking about?
cief4u: your sayen if the boy in your school would of told u how then felt themu would of never hooked up wit adam
cief4u: rite?
TheVirginMary00: exactly
cief4u: yea
TheVirginMary00: so for the future, you should be honest with girls
cief4u: i new what your talkenabout even if it sounds like i dont
TheVirginMary00: just a lil hint there
cief4u: i always am
TheVirginMary00: yea you do
TheVirginMary00: that's good
cief4u: a hint
cief4u: yea i know
cief4u: i learned that the hard way
TheVirginMary00: what happened?
cief4u: i went to the ponocos and thisgirl that looked mad good she liked me and shit and we always played basketball together and i had mad fun wit her but i never told her how i felt and the day i was going to leave i seen her and she was wit some guys that she meet the spring break so i was like fuck it
cief4u: on my way home though i was mad upset and i was 2 sec form telling my parents to go back
TheVirginMary00: awh that's so sad george
cief4u: yea i know
TheVirginMary00: but at least you learned from it
TheVirginMary00: so you're better than most guys i know
cief4u: yea but i wish i learned earlyer
TheVirginMary00: i bet you did
cief4u: to this day im still pissed
TheVirginMary00: o well, can't do anything about it now
cief4u: lol
TheVirginMary00: dead ass, don't sweat it if you can't change it
cief4u: yea i kow
TheVirginMary00: that just causes confusion
TheVirginMary00: aight, i gotta go now
cief4u: but thats why i love to go tothe ponocos cause i just might see her
cief4u: ok
TheVirginMary00: awh
TheVirginMary00: thanks for the advice
cief4u: peace out nidda
TheVirginMary00: nidda?
cief4u: nigga
cief4u: lol my bad
cief4u: no doubt
TheVirginMary00: lol peace out my nigga
cief4u: lol
cief4u: peace cracker
TheVirginMary00: fuck you
TheVirginMary00: bye

fuck it... fuck everything

Sun, 11 Feb 2001 15:26:18 GMT

okay, everybody can just forget about my guy problems, cuz thatit exactly what i intend to do.
i'm gonna go to group one last time and kick whoever's ass needs kicking, then i'm gonna say buh-bye, and never look back. *lol deija that's right, you know i'll be screening my calls from now on* there's plenty of reasons besides adam to quit my rehab group. 1- i don't have the time to do that shit 3 nights a week, then aa and na meetings 2-i cann't stand the bitches there 3-i don't even wanna stay sober (from drugs i do, but not alcohol) and then 4-the whole adam sitch.
here's my theory: i think that the entire world has just recently decided that it would be a good thing to turn my life upside down, then sit back and laugh. yea haha. real fucking halarious. a god damned riot over here.
basically, i'm just giving up. whatever's gonna happen is gonna happen. whoever is gonna happen is gonna happen, and whenever it's gonna happen, it will happen.
it fuckin ironic that right after i explained my little consirosy theory, that i am now explaining how i'm leaving everything up to fate, but fuck it. i sure as hell dunno what to do, so who else am i gonna leave it up to? guys? HELL no. guys are just people who could solve all my problems by just being honest, but noooo. that would just be too damn simple. grrr

okay so on a different note, the dance was hot. well for the first 15 minutes (which seemed like an hour) it sucked, but then melissa showed up and it was cool. after we inhaled like 4 dozen helium balloons, the party was kickin. well- the part where melissa threw up was not so pleasing, but besides that it was aight. basically all we did was walk around like the 2 biggest bitches in the world and make fun of people like katie parr and devin ronin dance. lol the pathetic part is that these people pay for dance lessons, and THEY STILL SUCK. lol melissa "i want to shake my ass like devin ronin... really... no really!" lol and then while melissa is in the bathroom barfing her brains out, devin walks in, looks at her reflection in the mirror, and goes "oh my god, i look sooooo cute tonight" then she did that little flip her hair thing, the way only blondes can, and she walked out. me n melissa just started bustin up laughing. lmfao

Happy Deathday!
Your name:	ruthiebaby
You will die on:	Sunday, August 29, 2032
You will die of:	Electrocution
Username:

Created by Quill

Happy Deathday!
Your name:	ruthiebaby
You will die on:	Sunday, August 29, 2032
You will die of:	Electrocution
Username:

Created by Quill