Ruth's Journal

10:59PM - I KNEW IT!!

Happy Deathday!
Your name:	ruthiebaby
You will die on:	Sunday, August 29, 2032
You will die of:	Electrocution
Username:
Created by Quill

10:59PM

Happy Deathday!
Your name:	ruthiebaby
You will die on:	Sunday, August 29, 2032
You will die of:	Electrocution
Username:
Created by Quill

11:01AM - woohoo

The Lost Soul


What sign of the Black Zodiac are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

12:50PM

i just found out that may puit a ban on this, like me writing in my journal, because of some bullshit, so if they do, then that sucks, so i may not be able to go onto this page anymore cuz these people are assholes. gotat go love you bye

12:16PM - i'm at st annes residential, 6 months to a year

hey whoever's reading this. it's ruth. baby i hope you're reading this. i love you i love you i love you. i miss you like crazy. 160 north main ave. albany ny 12206. write to me, i love you n i miss you and i'm goin crazy in here. and send me goodies too. hey baby, i hope you're keeping outta trouble, i need you to be home when i get out. most likely, if i'm good i get to come on a home visit on the 9th, then every other weekend after that. and the next available weekend after that is thanksgiving, so that's more than just the weekend. right now my mom's trifling about i'm not even allowed to call you when i come home, but we'll see about that. where there's a will there's a way. but in the meantime, please please please write to me. the mail here takes forever to get out. they said it takes 9 days just to get to poughkeepsie, so it'll be even more to get to you, but anyways, just write me. they read all our outgoing mail, and we're not allowed to curse or write anything sexual in em, but they don't read the mail we get, so send me lots and lots of letters. i think about you all the time. i miss you like crazy. i got my teddy bear in here. and your green paul sweatshirt. and i got that striped shirt i stole from you that last day i was there, and that hasn't been washed since you had it, so i'm using it as a pillow cover. i miss you so much. i'm bein asskicking good in there though, so i can get out in 6 months. so that means there's a chance i can come home april 1st. that's not so bad, right? yea right, who am i kidding, that's an unbelievably long time, but we can do this. oh yes. i have faith that we can. and when i get out, i'll be almost 17, and then there's nothing anybody can do about me seeing you, right? i hope so, that's what i'm working towards. proving all these asshole pricks wrong, and showing them that i can do good and be happy at the same time. that's my goal. and once i get home i'm gonna do good in school, get my lazy ass up every damn day and drag my ass to school and do all my work there and get straight fucking a's. and i'll be off protation by then, so that's good too. damn. i'd give anything to be with you right now. to be able to just chill in the basement watching golden girls messing with your back. that's where i belong. not some gay ass home for girls. and that's where i will be. don't think i won't be back. i will. i'm working my ass off to get back to you. it's all for you too baby, if it wasn't for you i'd just as soon stay here as long as possible to keep outta the chaos in my house, but because of you i do have something to look foreward to. i have something to work towards. and i am working for it, i'm gonna be working harder than i've worked in a long time, because it's worth that much to me. i love you so much. when people say 'i love you with all my heart' they don't know what it means, but i do. it means i'm totally devoted to you. everything i do, i'm doing it for you. you're my all. and i really mean that. and now that i've poured my heart out on this page that anybody in the world can read, i'm gonna go. FUCK YOU ALL, I LOVE PAUL!!!

12:47PM - hahaha it's me

Disorder Rating
Paranoid: Moderate
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: High
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: Moderate
Dependent: Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate

Current mood: okay

9:01PM - wow, it's been a while

yea, so i'm back. yay. yea i was in a detention center from may 30th til last monday. fun fun fun. sarcasm sarcasm sarcasm. nah actually it wasn't that bad. co-ed ;). but i'm fuckin tired of relaying the story of my month in juvie, so ow well.
since i've gotten back it's been mad fun. tuesday i slept. wednesday i went to the mall on a mad shoplifting spree. hehe some of you know what happened. lol. anyway, friday i went to chris' house and smoked kb with greg mike brian some chic mike c and hasan. that was fun. hehe we put a bumble bee in one of the chambers of chris's water bong. lucky fucking bee. lol chris the bee likes it, see he's comin back for more. friday night i slept over aubrey's house, we went pool hopping in the neighborhood, and then saturday we went to seaside and stayed there til sunday night. that was a fuckin blast. it was like all college people in the beach houses, so we met up with some guys with a keg and aubrey had a little fling. lol go aubrey! so then monday i slept and chilled with aubrey, tuesday i talked to kiley all day, and today i had mad people over my house while my mom and brother were at the lake. yay! i'm still wasted, in case you haven't noticed. hahaha. yea becky crawford showed up. lmfao. ha fuckin ha. ummmmm NO! lol anyways, tomorrow summer school starts, and get this, i'm the only person in the history of pine bush school district to ever be court ordered to go to summer school. lol yea i'm just special. actually i'm looking forward to summer school. i get to see everybody, and then i gotta get a job (also court ordered, thank you judge bivona) so i'm gonna work at the valley with karin jody and carly. that'll be hot.
oh shit, kiley's getting sent away the 10th which is.... next tuesday, i think. fuckin shit. that fuckin sucks MAJOR funky balls. damn it's weird cuz ever though i've been chillin with lotsa people since i got back, i haven't been able to chil with deija or kiley. i've only even talked to them once cuz since kiley got kicked outta her house and she's in monroe, they're both long distance and mommy dearest needed to cut my long distance off. and melissa's in camp, so my only best friend i've been able to be with is aubrey, and i feel like i'm kinda suffocating her. shit. oh well. life's a bitch and then ya die, right? right. haha if i wasn't so wasted i would be wallowing in self pity right about now. thank god for alcohol right? lol right. so i gotta go see what's up for tonight. karin's mom is away and she left her car, so she's taking it tonight, and joey's taking his mom's car out so we're all gonna go to the movies and see sumthin. i dunno what. lol we'll probably just end up clam baking the cars in the mall parking lot all night, but it's all good.
luvin ya

Current mood: drunk

Current music: that lil kim song, how many licks

1:35PM - i don't fuckin believe this...

so kiley's getting sent away. now what the fuck do i do? deija left. kiley's leaving probably toady. what the fuck do i do now? who do i turn to? how am i gonna do this? i won't be able to see her. i won't be able to talk to her. i won't be able to get high with her... things will never be the same. and the scarriest part is what i can't write in here. something i know will probably happen. something i know that if it did happen, it would be the end. the end of fuckin everything. you know that chain effect deija? now it starts. this is how it's gonna begin, and there's nothing anyone can do to change it. there's nothing anyone can do about it now. it might as well have already happened. what the fuck do i do now? just sit around and wait for the inevitable? just sit here and cry thinking about how alone i'll be? thinking about how the best thing in my life right now is my friends. and now one of my best friends is mad at me, and the other is.... yea this is where you all start understanding that i really need some help. my head doesn't work the way it should. i probably fried too many brain cells, i dunno. all i know is that nobody else thinks the way i do. i fuckin wish i could be like everyone else. everyone else wiht happy little lives, not having to look past anything. just seeing things as they are, not... shit i don't even know what i'm talking about now.
this is when i know i'm fuckin losing it. when i start babbling about shit that doesn't make any sense. about shit that onyl i can understand. about shit. just stupid shit nobody else understands or cares about. this is what i'm reduced to. fuckin shit. everybody leaves me. i have 4 best friends in the whole wide world. deija aubrey kiley and melissa in no particular order. me and deija had a fight last night, she wants to die and i' not supposed to care. kiley's getting sent away and even though it's probablyonly for a couple months, i know exactly what is gonnab happen. god? how many times have me n kiley discussed this? i know exactly what will happen. melissa needs me and i can't be there for her, but i can't explain why i can't. i wish i could be there, but all this shit.... and i can't. aubrey? well aubrey is the strange one. (i love you aubrey) aubrey has been there for me since i can remember and she has never left. we dont even really fight. i don't know what i'd do without her, but now my crazy ass head is trying to convince myself that this is too good to be true. shit i don't know. all i know is that this is fuckin wrong. this is bad. and i can't explain it... i can't even say why i can't explain it, buti guess most of you have figured it out by now. all i know is that deija knows exactly what i'm talking about. she knows all aboutwhat will happen. but she's probably too pissed to even consider it. so there you go. i've fucked everything up and everybody i care about most is leaving me. i know this isn't making sense. just let me ramble some more. i need to get this all out. i love aubrey deija kiley n melissa more than anything. i care about them mroe than i care about myself, and now i'm fucking everything up. nothing's gonna be the same. it can't, it won't. it's not even worht it. fuck it. now i know i don't know what the hell i'm talking about. just don't pay attention to me. just ignore me cuz the effect will be the same. the chain effect deija. you know that

7:03PM

i'm gonna have little dark blotches in my hair you son of a bitch
uh, my neck is burning. IT REALLY BURNS!!!!!!
fuck dibari
the chickies love you deija
tom called me a dirtbag hahaha
comon deija, we're leaving in 10 minutes
our moms are liars haha
my back was in the paper!!! yay!
the white trash hiar clips
deija's um.... tan sweatshirt
pomade is the shit
we went from like 12 fish to 2 fish in less than a week
fuck rehab
okay, so maybe he's not that skeevy, i like the peircings
so we didn't get off the property in 30 seconds, so?
lol mcdonalds was fun
that butch cop that kept passing us under our tree
that tree was so pretty by the way
lol, now the 8th graders have more material on you n me deija. wonderful
my retarted neighbors, called the fuckin cops on me again. bitches
yay my new anti depressants fuck me up! yay!

so that was a glimpse of my weekend
oh yea, and i'm suspended all next week, and there's a party at my house on wednesday for everyone else who is suspended. and 2 more police charges for ruthie. criminal trespassing and unlawful assembly. what shit.

1:07PM

sometimes i wonder who would miss me when i'm gone.
i know there's a billion people who i would be sad if they died, or whatever, but i can honestly only think of like 3 people who i would nevre ever forget. never ever get over it. so i wonder if there's actually anybody who would actually miss me... don't bother commenting cuz i know that lots of people would say "yea ruthie, i'd miss you" but that's only cuz that's what you're "supposed" to say, and i know that i'd probably write if when i didn't mean it. like i said, there's only 3 people who's deaths i would never ever get over. never ever wanna get over. ever. never ever.

Current mood: confused

Current music: dr dre n eminem- forgot about dre

4:39PM - my po-em

what the hell am i supposed to be?

i don't get good grades
i'm not obsessed with math
and quite frankly i don't give two shits
how a bird wants to take a bath

i'm not pretty enough
i know i'll never be
and anybody can take a look
it's for all the world to see
my nose is huge,
my chest is not
and my ass sticks out a mile
and if i plan on saving up for surgery
it could really take a while

my idea of fun is not as their
i'm sorry bu it's not
i just don't see the point in all girls sleepovers
and studygroups... let's just not

i'm not a prep
i dress all wrong
and haha, i do drugs
and rather than buying a new gap sweater
i'd prefer some shit to fill my bong

as for music
let's just say
that in my book
everything except for county and boybands
i guess it's all okay

i'm not a funny person
i just tell it like it is
so don't bother reading this again
it won't be on the quiz

2:27PM - fun fun fun for everyone

okay so friday was a bust. my therapy ran late, and when we went to kiley's house to drop my shit off her mom said that it turns out the concert was in otisville, and they've been frantic thinking i was gonna drive all around middletown or whatever. so then me n kiley decided to just chil at her house. we went driving with some people, had some fun, and went to sleep at like 4. anwyay, then on saturday we woke up, got high, and went to the mall. lol we went into jack n jills, sat in th smoking section, and ordered our traditional waters w/ lemon. then for some reason we started bending forks, and we made bff bracelets. (lol deija that lady from camp... i forget her name) anyway, then my mom picked us up and we went home. when we got home we found that ned had "come into possesion" (we didn't ask) of a shit load of vodka and rum and beer and margurita mix (that's the shit right deija?) so when my mom left at like 9 to drop easter baskets off at someone's house, we went into the garage and got wasted. lol, then we tried to dye easter eggs, but we ended up having a hard boiled egg/ blue dye fight in my kitchen. o well, my mom was pissed when she got home. o well.
anyways, since my mom was home and none of us could talk without slurring, we went upstairs into my room to get ready. this was around like 10... and we were leaving at 11.
okay usually when i sneak out i go through my window and down the ladder, but that wasn't gonna work cuz nobody could walk straight, kiley was afraid of heights, and cuz she was wearing 3 inch heels. so we ended up just going out the porch door.
aight i learned the hard way that if somebody picks me up in front of the house, my mom can hear the car door slam, so we told chris to pick us up at the end of my road. lmao that was fun. pitch black, no street lights, and some drunk kids trying to walk straight, regardless of keeping on the road. me n kiley were holding eachother up and pushing eacother down at the same time, we must've walked off the road into ditches like 15 times.
anway, we got to the end of the road, and kiley decided she had to go to the bathroom, so she just pulled down her pants at the side of the road and started ot go. she was like "okay ruth tell me if any cars come" and me, being the drunken bitch that i am, kept saying here were cars coming, and kiley was like "shut the hell up, i can't pee when you're talking" so i shut up, and then i saw a car coming. i told her, but she didn't believe me (i guess the boy who cried wolf kinda deal) but then as it got closer i realised that it was a red car. THEY WERE PICKING US UP IN A RED CAR. lol so by this point kiley realised i wasn't lying, and she just started laughing, and she was too wasted to pull her pants up, so when they pulled up, they saw me and kiley on the side of the road, trying desperately to get her pants up. i don't know what they thought was going on, and i didn't ask. we just got in the car and tried to stop laughing and say hello. i guess they figure out that we were trashed, so they just drove. when we got to the hotel (oh yea, there were only two guys in the car, chris and dennis) there were a bunch of people in the parking lot who were waiting for us, lol some girl was to fucked up she was getting upset cuz she said she was missing her chance to get home and catch the easter bunny before he hid eggs in her back yard.
so then we went in the hotel, paid for 2 rooms, got one free, and we went into the first room. at firs there was like all 20 people in the same room, and i was just lying in the middle of one bed (there were two in a room) holding my leg in the air cuz i realized that when i tried to shave before we left, i was so drunk that i cut off a big chunk of my leg. so here i am, in a hotel room waving my lag in the air cuz blood keeps pouring out of my shin. eventually somebody got me a roll of toilet paper, and i was just holding the wholr roll against my leg til it stopped bleeding. okay so the somehow i ended up sitting on dennis's lap, chugging a HUGE bottle of vodka, and i dunno how long i stayed there, but eventually the people split up into seperate rooms. i'm sure you people can all use your imaginations to figure out who was in which room, so i won't go into that. but anyways, we left the hotel at like 7, and we were all still drunk by then, so we got home at like 8, me and kiley made breakfast, and then we went to sleep at like 10. then we woke up at 12 cuz her momw as picking her up at 12:30, and my grandparents were picking me n ned up at 2, so i had to pack n shit. oh man, just let me say that 3 hours in a car with two senior citizens, my brother, and a huge ass hangover is not a very nice situation to be in. o well. so then we stayed at my grandparent's house til last sunday, so that was good, but kinda boring. no guys, no drugs, and no cigarettes. oh well we went shopping and i got like 7 new pairs of pants so i guess it's all good.
so that was my spring break
:)

12:01PM - so yea, i'm alive. sorry

yea my computer was out for a while, but whatever, it's back. guess what i figured out? guys suck. yea, they really do. dennis is an asshole. he said he liked me, then he used me. thank god i didn't fuck him. so now he's an asshole and i don't like him as a person or a friend, let alone a boyfriend. he had a little thing with becky crawford and her wide ass, they deserve eachother, they both talk a lotta shit. now i'm hearing rumors that he likes me again. fucker. uh no. just no. the only reason i kinda hope that's true is cuz i wanna see the look on his face when i laugh and say "no". yea. that'd be great.

let's see, what else has been going on?..... okay last weekend tj ran away from his house and came to live at my house for a couple days. he stayed friday-sunday. that was cool. on saturday amelia, mike, dan, aubrey, tj, me, and ned were all in the garage chilling. lol it was cool til aubrey barfed. lol sorry aubrey:) anyways then we got high... pretty damn high ifi do say so myself. i guess it was some shit from mexica or sumthin... i don't really know, all i know is that it was good shit. then on sunday me, ned, tj, and dan got even more fucked up of some shit that i think was laced with....? take your pick. so that was fun. then sunday night 2 patrol cars pulled up in my driveway. yea apparently tj's parents wanna press charges on my mom for harboring a runaway. hahaha. i guess silvia (dan's mom) dropped him off at the kelly's house, and he never went home. he didn't get home til monday night when he got arrested. what a loser. he was in front of the valley and there was a fight going on and dennis was getting his ass royally beat (haha loser) and the cops pulled up and took tj home.

okay so that's last weekend. here's the plans for this weekend. friday (tomottow) i'm chillin at kiley's house all day, we're gonna get high, and then we're gonna go to this big band thing in chester or monroe or some shit. it starts at 7, we're gonna get there @ 6, and chill with some guys she knows. then it ends @ 11, but we're gonna chil till 12 with those same people. it's 3 guys, chris, dennis, and shaun. (they're all from monroe) kiley's kinda sorta with chrisand the other two are susposedly hot and single. (yay!) okay so then we go home to kiley's, sleep there, and on saturday, get high again and chil at the mall all day. then my mom picks us up around 8/9, and we go home to my house. then we're gonna drink in my room, wait til my mom falls asleep, and then we beep dennis so they can come and pick us up. then we're all gonna go to some hotel in middletown or sunthiin for a huge party, followed by a privete party. deija you were supposed to come with us, that's why there's 3 guys and only 2 girls. but nooo, you had to get back with dave, (just kidding, i'm glad you did) and then not come up here this weekend. so now i either have to get really kinky, or one guy is gonna get his feelings hurt. lol considdering the fact that we'll have been drunk when we left my house, and then at a party hosted by 21 year olds, i'll probably be reallly fucked up, so i'll probably choose kinky. haha we'll see. so anyway, then we're gonna get back in through my window before 9, before my mom wakes up, and then my grandparents are picking me up at 2 that afternoon. wonderful right, i'll have a massive hangover, and i hafta be in a car for three hours with my brother and 2 senior citizens... dear god help us all.

Current mood: amused

Current music: lolypop porn, crazytown

10:07PM

this is a poem thing traci wrote, it's awesome:

Have you every wondered what hurts more, the truth or a lie? If you think about it the truth can hurt someone as much as a lie could. Have you ever tried to tell someone something and the words are there but your afraid to let the words go for the fear of their response? Why do people fear rejection? Is it the fear of being diminished in the eyes of the one you love? Or maybe it's the fear of careing too much because the thought always occurs that they don't care as much. Have you ever fell in love with your best friend? How long must that person wait till you tell them your true feelings for them? Have you ever dreamed of one guy everynight? If he only loves me in my dreams, let me sleep forever. Maybe that person is called the guy of your "dreams" because that is the only place you can have him; is in your dreams. Have you ever missed someone just because they weren't at your fingertips? You crave them when they aren't there and you can't help but smile everytime you see them. Have you ever wondered if you should smile because he is your friend, or cry because that's all he is? Have you ever hated someone for something that they said? Or for something they did or didn't do. Or do you just hate that fact that you really don't hate them at all? Have you ever waited so long to tell someone that you love them and it is too late? No one waits forever.

9:36PM

oh yea, and about you competing with your brother, you've got nuthin to worry about :P

9:36PM

mikey this one's for you, lol
let's see you wanna know about my life... umm i'm goin to new jersey this weekend to see deija. i'm staying there from friday til sunday. i gotta meet deija's boyfriend so i can chop his balls off.
anyway, yea you're right teens do go through shitty ass depressing stages. but mike please just get depressed and nuthin else. suicide is not all it's cracked up to be. now i'm getting all upset cuz i love you to death and probably the only thing you could ever do to make me mad at you is to kill yourself. i would never forgive you if you did that. and when i think about me hating you it makes me sad, so just do me a favor and don't do anything i wouldn't do. :)
love ruth

12:00AM

Pot is a plant,
That grows in the ground.
If God didn't want it,
It wouldn't be around.
So all you fuckers that don't get high,
Shut the fuck up and give it a try!

?..? ???)) -:?:-
?.?? .????))
((??.?? .?? -:?:-
-:?:- ((??.? (?`v??)
`v?

5:25PM - my head is spinning...

yea okay so most of today sucked. it was fine til lunch. then i found out that kiley cheated on george. why the fuck would she do that?? she's always bitching cuz he doesn't like to dance, and all that shit, and how she doesn't think he cares about her. that's bullshit i talk to him all the time, and he's always saying how much he cares about her. i can't figure out why she would hurt him like that. i mean, yea she was drunk, and god knows that i've used that excuse plenty of times, but this time she really fucked up. i don't wana chafta choose sides either cuz i know that me and kiley are best friends, so i'm not gonna risk that, but i am gonna tell her that what she did was totally fucked. and then at the same time i gotta be comforting george cuz my best friend cheated on him, and it's not like i'm gonna forget about our friendship just cuz kiley isn't goin out with him anymore. whatever i'm nuteral

plus then i was thinking about what i did with carter last weekend, and totally regretting it. it's not that i don't like him, me and him definately have something, maybe even love. but... i dunno it's hard to explain. we talk about it all the time. i love him and he loves me, but neither of us wanna be together. it's fucked up i know. but i love him in a soulmate/best friend/fuck buddy thing, not like a boyfriend or anything. it's the same way with josh, but nuthin sexual. so anyway today i was thinking about all that, trying to make it make sense in my head and i realized that for whatever reason, i don't think i love him anymore. at least i don't wanna fool around with him anymore. i dunno. i have no idea what made me change, but i did and i dunno how he's gonna react to that. and i know he's gonna be reading this so that's probably why i'm writing it in the first place. i know i should probably apologize or sumthin, but i'm not really sorry. it's just the way i feel and i can't help it.

Current mood: geeky

Current music: "teenage dirtbag" wheatus

11:12PM - helll yeaaa

o man, i had so much fucking fun last night!!! well more accurately it was last night into this morning, but i don't care. all i know is that i paid for it today with a HUGE ASS hangover. o man, but it was soooo worth it. okay so last night at like 11 jeremy picked me up and drove me to pennsylvania. we got there around 1:30, and that was only cuz he was speeding the whole way. so anyway, it was so great to be there again. i can't even think of any other word to describe it besides great. it was just awesome. i walked in the door and carter just gave me a huge bear hug, the kind that i've been needing for a long time. it was just so nice and so warm...
anyway
then we just sat around the coffe table like old times and smoked ourselves stupid.
it was fuckin great!
the only bad thing was that kim wasn't there.
:(
i missed her soo much. more than ever before too cuz before i could deal with it cuz it's not like i was used to seeing her in school or anything, but now that i was someplace where i was so used to seeing her, i just felt like crying. so it was kinda really awkward at first, but then we just got so fucked up it didn't matter. so then around 4, me and carter somehow ended up in jeremy's room, sitting on the bed talking about the difference between fucking, having sex, and making love. it was really weird cuz i guess we must have started the conversation while we were really fucked up, cuz i can't remember most of what we said. so i have no idea how long we were talking for. but anyway, we realized that practically nobody our age makes love. that's just gay. fucking is something that you do just for fun with any hot guy/girl who just happens to be just as horny as you are. having sex is like fucking, but there is something going on between those two people. they like eachother, but usually not love. and then making love is what old peeople do, even thuogh the thought of old people having sex is just really really really nauseating, but o well.
so anyway, as many of you have probably guessed, me and carter did end up having sex. i know that we didn't just fuck, cuz there is an obvious thing going on with me and carter. it's weird though cuz i can't imagine myself being with him, like as a girlfriend, but i know that we're more tahn just fuckbuddies.
i dunno
i need more time to think about it
so anyway, we ended up leaving at 5:30, and i got home around 9:30 which was cutting it really close cuz my mom wakes up around 10.

Current mood: good

Current music: "break stuff" limp bizkit

9:06AM - shit shit shiiii-iiiiit

dammit. i dunno what the fuck i'm doing. i just remembered that me n adam made plans for today, i'm assuming they're off cuz i broke up with him, but still... i know i'd be having fun if i was there, and it'd be better than sitting at home all day. yea yea yea i know this is not the way i'm supposed to be thinking about a guy who i just broke up with, but i can't help it!!
dammit. well i guess it's aight cuz i know on saturday i'ma be getting fucked up, and doing things that i probably shouldn't be doing if i had a boyfriend. so i guess it's all for the best. but still....

Current mood: distressed

Current music: "i think go dcan explain" splendor